There Were No Mirrors in My House When I Was Growing Up

 I spent a lot of time searching for mirrors when I was young, and I kept coming up empty handed - well, except if you count those shiny face-reflecting things hanging in bathrooms and elsewhere.   We had plenty of those.  What was lacking were the human mirrors I so desperately needed, the ones that were supposed to literally witness me.   Little did my child-self know what I was missing and the impact my lack of reflection would have on my tender soul.

Mirroring, in a general sense, is the phenomenon of our attachment figure’s ability to observe our precious thoughts and feelings and echo them back to us.  Consistent reflection in the likes of, “I can see you’re angry and understand why you’re so upset” or as simple as, “You look sad,” create a sense of being understood and accepted.   This type of validation in our early years goes far in helping our adult selves greet the years ahead with self-acceptance, confidence, and self-awareness.

You can now probably fill in the blanks as to what happens when you have no, or little, mirroring when you are young.  In my case, and not atypically for a child with a lack of human mirrors, I journeyed toward adulthood with a suitcase packed full of insecurities and self-doubt, along with a hefty collection of fear and anxiety.   Looking back now, it’s a wonder how I managed to be an ‘adult’ with so little solid ground below me.

This is where I insert resiliency and – I don’t know – tenacity.  I survived, yes, and occasionally thrived, despite the scarcity of shiny human reflections in my early years.  It would take me decades – and hours and hours of therapy and personal growth work – to shift to more thriving and less surviving.

  Through this voyage of self-discovery, I was able to search for – and find – the mirrors I had so desperately needed all those years ago in the form of deep adult relationships and connections.   With their reflections by my side, I came to know and understand much more about my own intrinsic worth, and with that I slowly grew a sense of the self-acceptance and confidence that I had been lacking.

And so, here I am today, still learning and growing, but forever grateful that I can now – occasionally - encounter the wonderful, shiny, soul-reflecting mirror of me.   💜